Wow. We like to throw around how great our nation’s leaders were. Teddy Roosevelt. George Washington. Abraham Lincoln. What do they all have in common? None of them manipulated the weather patterns and walked up the side of an active volcano just for the fuck of it.

What can’t this man do? If you could even call him a “man.” Let’s see. Learned to drive at age three. Voted North Korea’s best-dressed 10 years in a row. And now, 9,000 feet later, he’s scaled the mighty Mount Paektu — the same volcano his father was born in.

Bad weather? Not. A. Problem. Kimmy just waves his sausage fingers at the sky and parts those storm clouds like they’re people in front of him at the buffet line. Then he waddles right up to the top of that fucking volcano because he is what political scientists like myself refer to as a baller and a shot-caller.

Once at the summit, Kim was captivated by the majestic mountaintops and lush, rolling forests. He was so tickled by the breathtaking view that he paused for a sobering reflection on the splendor and wonderment of nuclear holocaust.

“Imposingly standing on Janggun Peak, the respected Supreme Leader gave a familiar look for a while at the dizzy cliffs and the sea of trees, recalling the emotion-charged days when he realized the great historic cause of completing the state nuclear force without yielding even a moment and with the indomitable faith and will of Paektu.”

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