Welcome back, degenerates. If you thought you understood the NFL this season, Week 13 just grabbed your parlay, dipped it in gravy, and fed it to the dog.
We started with the only constant in the universe: The Lions losing on Thanksgiving. But then the simulation broke. The Dallas Cowboys… yes, those Cowboys, have now beaten both of last year’s Super Bowl teams in back-to-back weeks. Are we in the twilight zone? Jerry Jones definitely sold his soul again, because watching Dak dismantle the Chiefs dynasty was not on my bingo card. Patrick Mahomes is officially in his downfall era, and I’m here for the chaos.
Speaking of disasters, did the Ravens even get off the bus? Lamar and the flock apparently slipped into a food coma before kickoff, dropping a 5-turnover disaster class against the Bengals. Meanwhile, the Chicago Bears are the No. 1 seed in the NFC. Read that again. We are living in a timeline where the Bears are the team to beat and the Vikings are getting shut out 26-0 by the Seahawks because Sam Darnold remembered he’s Sam Darnold.
Elsewhere, the Bills absolutely nuked the Steelers, the Panthers decided to be useful for once and upset the Rams, and the Broncos continue to be the worst 10-2 team in history.
And finally, look away if you have PTSD beacuse the Patriots are 11-2. The Evil Empire has returned, winning 10 straight and crushing the Giants on MNF just to remind us that happiness is temporary.
It’s time to grab a leftover turkey sandwich and scroll through these NFL memes.
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